Saturday, January 17, 2009


I was thinking of opposites yesterday. Dark Light! Down Up! In Out! Hard, Soft, most commonly associated, perhaps, with male and female? Heaven Hell. Sad Happy. Now we're moving toward something with true personal resonance.

We can find other opposites that have resonance, but when you're in the middle of grieving someone, there is nothing more devastating than Dead, Alive. Alive, Dead. It doesn't matter which way you turn the words, Dead is the more powerful word when you're grieving someone. You don't even think alive consciously except you think constantly about that someone when they were alive and now they'll never be alive again. No more crazy wonderful conversations over the phone, no more wonderful emails. I went to a psychologist not too long ago to talk about the manner of this person's death because it was truly terrible and I was trying desperately to come to grips with it and I had found I couldn't talk to anyone else about it because of the nature of the death. Yes, it was terrible, and it happened to this someone I loved, and how can I ever come to grips with that? And the guilt! Maybe I could have helped!

This, of course, is about the brother I'm grieving. Perhaps you're grieving for someone too. If so, perhaps we can talk, and we can grieve together.


Heidi said...

Marsh - I'm with you in this. Though I wasn't as close to my friend as a brother obviously, the violence and unexpectedness of the deaths are the same.

It's a day by day thing. We may never understand, but we'll get through it. And eventually, there will be more good days than bad. The highs and lows will even out more. We will make it.

marsh to the fore said...

Thanks Heidi. I've always thought it strange, and sad, that both of us suffered a loss involving violence. That's a little less than a third of the group. Gives one pause.

Good advice. Yes, one day I'm fine then the next day I cry. But it is getting better. And yes, there are now, I believe, beginning to be more good days than bad.

Heidi the Hick said...

I think what strikes me the most here is that when you weigh the Dead/Alive opposites while you're grieving, the dead always weighs more. It's so inescapable.

I can only barely imagine your pain. Does it help to see a counselor?

This may sound very odd but I thank you for sharing this. I'm glad you can reach out.

marsh to the fore said...

The internet got in the way and the post I put together to send into the ether earlier today evaporated! Like the rain! (See today's post to the site.)

Yes, I'm in pain, but I think I am beginning to heal.